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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A Christmas Story ( long story, but I bet you laugh out loud)

I'll tell you when to start the music on this one if you dont mind...

So Im going to take a bit of a break and tell you a personal story. I know thats kind of what Ive been doing, but I mean that Im not going to continue from last weeks Tuesday post. I was reminded of this story recently and thought it would be a good one to share, and it is also keeping in the theme of Tuesday being a bio day.

Let us go back to last December I think... yes definitely last Christmas Im sure. Ok, so Devin was going coming home with me for the Christmas holiday for the first time. He had been to NJ with me many times already, just not for Christmas. Which, even as I write this, seems weird for me to be emphasizing since my family has never been religious. My mothers side of the family is Jewish and my fathers is Episcopalian. Maybe their parents were religious to an extent but in our hearts my immediate family just never was. Either way we always had a Christmas tree and a menorah in the house during the holidays. Some may think this to be superficial, being that these are symbols of religion, but if you knew us at all you would realize it was only that we couldnt resist being festive. Anyone who doesnt feel warm and fuzzy inside when they see a lit Christmas tree makes me a little nervous and very sad !

Point being, I was really excited for Devin to be coming home with me. Especially since on top of not being religious in nature, he really isnt one for the holidays ! So I was hoping our non- denominational, lazy, over-eating, movie watching, present opening, coffee and Kahlua on Christmas morning De Vesty family fun could turn him around ! So when we woke up at whatever ungodly hour it was leave for the airport in Phoenix these were the things going through my mind. Now I am someone who would rather be running to the gate and almost miss the flight rather than sit in those awful airport chairs for the 2 hrs early they claim you need to be there. Devin on the other hand is a plan for the worst kind of guy. Interesting combo. It works though somehow.

So of course our ride picks us up right on time, there is no traffic at all and we get there super duper early. Again, its really early, like maybe 6:30 AM by the time we get there. Barely awake we walk towards the gate thinking about whether or not coffee makes any sense at this hour. We decide to go sit down a minute and decide then. As we are approaching the gate I think, out of the corner of my eye, that I recognize a guy I used to date. It had probably been about 5 years since I had seen him and now, at 6:37 AM before my first cup of coffee was not when I felt like making small talk. Holy s$%t, he is carrying a baby ! I mumble to Devin to steer the other direction and find seats. He was confused but I explained it all to him as soon as we sat down. Well I didnt explain that it had ended badly, mostly meaning this guy had screwed me over big time. Boyfriends dont want to hear all that ! Anyhow, of course I spied a little and a clear picture developed that he was married and had a baby now and they all looked very happy. In all honestly I was happy for him. It was so long ago and we had both moved on, but that STILL didnt mean I felt like schmoozing at this early hour. Devin and I sat around for what felt like forever waiting to board. Oh and yes, this does mean we were all on the same plane, sorry forgot to mention that. The ex and his family were sitting just left of the gate door facing forward. So I knew when we boarded I would have to be stealth. More and more time goes by, and it seems like we should have boarded already. Great, now I have to pee. The bathroom was only right there. I could do it. Well, Devin was worried I was cutting it too close, again, not a risk taker in these type situations. So I waited. But then sooo much more time went by that I couldnt take it anymore. I told him I was going and that if worse came to worst I would meet him on the plane.

Off I went. I was in and out of that bathroom in record time. Barely dried my half washed hands and ran the hell out of there. When I could see the gate I noticed Devin was in line and literally next to go through the door to the sky way. So I ran my ass to the line, right past the area the ex and his family were sitting, in my peripheral I could see them. I made it up there and the man behind Devin was very nice and let me go ahead of him. Perfect ! I cant remember exactly what I said, but I know I made a cocky comment to Devin about how my timing wound up just right and how he didnt think I could do it. For some reason I was proud of this feat. Well the guy who had let me into the line, the nice man, he started mumbling something to me... I couldnt make it out. He started doing these weird eye signals to Devin. And then to me. It got really confusing. Then it seemed like he was looking kind of down behind me, I started to think he was nuts ! Then his patience of our non understanding started wearing thin. After a little more of this he finally leaned in to me and said " Ms., you have toilet paper coming..." He didnt even need to finish his sentence and I knew ! He tried to go on about how the same thing had happened to his wife once and he couldnt let it happen to me... he was probably just being polite ! So I turn to try and look but it was difficult, so Devin literally took me and turned me around so my back was just to him and assuming it was just a bit of paper he tried to grab it.Well, have you ever seen the bit when a clown pulls all the colorful scarves or ribbon or whatever it is out of his mouth and it seems like it is never ending? Exactly. It just kept coming. To this day I have no idea how I had so much of it in there !

(Cue the music)

So just take a minute and go back to the scene when I leave the bathroom... Think slow motion. There I went, proudly out of the bathroom door briskly walking at first, then jogging and finally running through the airport all the way to the gate and into line. Who knows how long that beautiful, hilarious, unbeknownst to me, flowing tail of toilet paper really was...So poor Devin politely rips off what hes got and we are standing in the sky way awkwardly, laughing nervously, not knowing what to do. So I hold out my hand for him to give me the tissue because it seems hes done enough for me already and he leans in and says two things... 1. "Just to warn you its a little moist" and 2. "I didnt get all of it" ! OMG could this get anymore ridiculous? I played it off like I wasnt embarrassed but of course I was, when I got on the plane I went right to the bathroom and handled the remainder of the tissue issue ! While I did that I thought of how much effort I put into not talking to my ex and meeting his family. Instead I went running past them with toilet tissue streaming out at least a foot behind me with a smile on my face. Is there a bigger idiot on this planet? I could have used the coffee and Kahlua I spoke of earlier right about this time !

Im pretty sure thats my most embarrassing yet entertaining story to date. Im not sure its as good in writing, but Ive had many a person rollin over that one in person !

Ah, what a wonderful world...

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